Are we good dads?
Metrodad stirred up a pot of daddy bloggers with his post Who’s yo daddy’? last week, and it made me think, are daddy bloggers more involved and loving then their non-blogging counterparts?
This humble group of daddy bloggers (of which I am one) think we are a pretty good bunch. Unlike our forefathers who where the stoic, manly men of yesteryear who never cried, showed emotion or changed a nappy, we tend to think we are more involved than any other daddy’s, now or from previous generations.
Daddy’s today have access to more information, child oriented product and advice than any generation before them. Many western cultures have the best medical practitioners, economic growth, employment rates and food supplies in the world. With this wide variety of products, services and information, surely that makes for a better informed, intelligent, and better prepared, more involved dad right?
We talk openly about the love for our children. We even share stories and emotions with strangers and friends alike. We write about our frustrations. Our fears and our triumphs. But does this make us better daddies?
I suppose the question to ask my friends is “What makes a good father”
Is it level of involvement? Time spent with the kids? A good job, or presents at Christmas?
Research conducted by Fathers Direct of over 126 countries showed that the AKA Pygmies made the best dads in the wolrd. These men are lucky to have modern luxeries, let alone blogs, bottles and bjorns, yet they have been rated the best dads in the world. So what makes the AKA Pygmies such good dads?
Well they spend more time with their children then any other race on the planet (probably due to the lack of blogs, bottles and bjorns!)
They are within arms reach of their kids 47% of their time. (Almost as much time as AKA mums) Only men in Sweden come second to the AKA Pygmies. Hello Adventure Dad.
They are known to take their kids to their equivalent of the pub, drinking palm wine with their mates and holding their children close for hours on end. This makes the inconveniences of our western culture seem pretty insignificant.
They have even been known to put their nippers on the nipple, should mummy not be around when they are hungry.
I have thought long and hard about what it means to be a good dad, and I think one aspect about being a dad that the AKA pygmies seem to have understood is, simplicity.
How many things are better when they are broken down to its simplest form?Music, food, love. Things seem to be so much better when it’s uncomplicated.
Here’s what I think. With all the information and tools at the disposals of modern daddies, (particularly western culture dad’s) things start to get complicated. The things we think help us to be better are actually impeding us!
As a society we tend to measure success by the cars we drive or the amount of zero’s in our pay cheque. We feel we need to fill our lives with material things to show we care or love. (ever heard of a little thing called Christmas?)
iPods, new computers, cars, houses and holidays. We are creatures driven by fear. “If we buy that expensive stroller, people will think we really care about our kid, then they won’t think we are bad parents”
We buy thing’s not because we need them but because we can. I mean really, unless you have huge files that you need to transfer often, who the fuck needs a 60 gig iPod?
We feel we need to work to get these things for the ones we love, and if we can’t? then we should get off our butts and work harder.
Our governments control the media we see. Have you ever wondered why the news always show death and destruction? Think about it….really really think about it! If we live in fear we are consumers. Get insurance in case you die or your house burns down. As a democratic society if the worker bees stop working everything stops. We are told we need to work to buy things. Houses, Honeymoons, Christmas presents. All the things that perceivably measure our success!
All these things we think help us and make us better are slowly choking us.
How much better would our lives be if it where uncluttered and simple like the AKA Pygmies?.
I know mine would be, and I think that would help me be a better dad. I would have more time to spend with my kids. Family would be more important than holidays, blogs or digital camera’s. Sure these things are fun and nice to have. But do they make us better daddies?
I don’t know guys….maybe I’m going a little nuts this weekend.....and I haven't written extensively on this otherwise no one would read this entry due to the unbelievible length.......so help me out here. What do you all think makes for a good dad?
13 comments:
You've raised some very good questions there. And even though I'm not a dad, I was a daddy's girl, so I thought I'd chime in.
Time and love.
Thats what kids really want from their fathers. Yeah, teenagerhood hits, and they wine for more 'stuff' but it seems so much harder for a man to give his time than it is for him to give money. I'm not sure why that is. I didn't have much growing up, but I was able to spend time with my dad. And I'll never forget those really good times. My earliest memory I have is sitting on our porch steps as my dad showed me the awesomeness of a hard boiled egg at Easter. Taking time to teach and explore the wonders of this world. Just time and love.
Morning,
I think you are making some good points on this intresting and important question. Also glad to see us Swedes are high up on the list:-))
I don't believe you are a better father simply because you are spending time with your child. If it's voluntarily, then definitely yes. But there are so many other issues involved in being a good parents than simply spending time. What about a father that HAS to spend time with the child and don't really want to? That adds up to lots of time but can't be a good thing.
My personal view is that it's a tremendous privilege to be able to spend time with your child. Especially when you don't have to make much of a compromise. We do have amazing family benefits here in Sweden and parental leave is just one of them. I have so far spent roughly 9 out of the first 18 months together with my son (and wife). That includes vacation and parental leave. My wife dosn't work so we have both been home with our son a lot. I could have taken 420 working days off (I still got lots of days left) an stayed home. That's PAID parental leave, almost 100 % paid. And that's not including my 6 weeks of yearly vacation.
I have seen many surveys that point to the added benefits of the child spending time together with the father. Not only with the father but at least a significant amount of time.
I have a fantastic job that I like but being with the son is just so much more important. Especially during the first couple of years. I wish that more people, especially in US, got the chance to spend more time with their kids (and I mean both parents). It was very close that we stayed in NYC and raised our son there but I'm glad we are over here. We love NYC but for the family it's just impossible to beat Sweden.
AD
My husband is a TERRIFIC father. He has a very demanding career, but I know that his family comes first. In fact, he seems to approach is work more like a job than a career -- and, his work does not define who he is.
When he comes home, he is with us immediately. I mean, he's not just physically there. He's emotionally there. A lot of other dads don't seem to understand the difference. But the difference is huge.
Also, Husband understands that feeding, diapering, and bathing the children is a large part of being with them. He doesn't wait for me to do these things. He jumps right in and does them -- and he enjoys it!
Wow, excellent post. If most fathers sat down and thought about this kind of thing every once and awhile, their lives would be so much richer. Thank you.
Can anyone imagine, 30, 40, 50 years in the future knowing the end is near thinking back and wishing you spent more time with your stuff?
It's hard sometimes making the little sacrifices for your kids. Our society offers us so many distractions. But when the end comes who thinks it's likely anyone thinks "gosh if only I had put more time in at work?"
Another SaHD chimming in.
My experience when I was in the bush in Kenya back in the 80's was that when you take away the accoutrements of Western society--i.e., electricity, plumbing, gadgets, even books--then people relate much more closely. People let down a lot of their emotional defenses and open up to experiencing each other. Being in the bush was like being on another planet.
This same dynamic and "openness" would also apply to parenting I think... without all our day-to-day distractions, computers, TVs, etc, we would be that much more connected to our kids as well as to our communities and families.
Unfortunately, the chance that we might starve on a bad harvest year, or because the game has been driven away by a drought would also be a factor in our lives. I think that's the Faustian bargain we've unconsciously made as a society in embracing technology and progress as the drivers of our lives.
But I agree, more time with our children is irreplaceable. I'd like to take my daughter into the African bush sometime when she's a little older, and have her spend some time with pygmies so that she understands what it means to smell the roses.
Well the big day is coming in November, I'll change from young'n into father. What you've said here makes a lot of sense. I think we just have to take the classic picture of a kid playing with the cardboard box their new fancy toy came in, or banging on pots instead of the latests and greatest plastic drum set that cost a small sum of money.
My mum has decided that for gifts to grandchildren, she now gives the toys we used to play with. Not replicas, the actual toys. I kind of like the idea of that.
I think the be-all and end-all is take a think back to when you were a kid with your dad. What do you remember the most. Mine was playing catch in the backyard. I even think we had found the tennis ball!
Reading to them, cuddling them, sharing music with them, those are all the things we dream of sharing with them, our accumulated wisdom and thoughts. All this can be done in bed, nestled around the fireplace, at the kitchen table on a walk. That is exactly where most of the time should be spent with our kids!
I've been reading about this on your and Adventure Dad's site and I wanted to chime in too. I think what makes good dads/parents are the same qualities that make good people.
First of all, being emotionally involved with your kids/family. Second, being mature enough and self-aware enough to not be self absorbed; ie. being able to step out of your own wants, moods, preoccupations to be a little considerate of those around you, especially your kids. I feel these two things can take you a long way in life in general.
Plus I think time spent with the kids that is destructive can be worse than no time at all.
I'm sure I never manage to stick to it a lot of the time but one key principle is to be encouraging, loving and positive as much as you can. Don't humiliate, don't make them feel stupid, don't make them loose face, don't punish them with your anger. Ah well, another day, another attempt at keeping up such high standards...
The article on the Aka really reminds us how important contact and connection with a father means for a child. The culture of technology, while advancing many aspects of life, is also a curse in that it takes away from the simplicity of life.
~Deborah
Time spent with my dad was, and still is, better than anything money can buy. And this is post holds great lesson for mommies, too!
Your post reminds me of the film: The Gods Must Be Crazy. There is an African who discovers a coca cola bottle and thinks that it is from outer space. He thinks that it brings his family all kinds of bad luck and he gets rid of it-it is actually a small part of a good and funny film. Anyway, it reminded me of this post. Simple life. Simple needs.
A good daddy asks himself questions like these and wonders and ponders what he can do to be a better parent. I don't think that was as important as it is now.
Years ago, the father went out and "won" the living...earned the living and that was the expectation. Today I think that dads want it all...kind of like moms did-successful career, happy family, great marriage. I don't know if we can have it all and if we can fix that by living simpler lives, then sign me up!
I like Daddy blogs. We don't always know what our partner thinks for feels, so it is good to read daddy blogs and know the thoughts and fears. It brings us closer.
I enjoyed your post. You sound like a good Daddy...I have always thought that...since I found your blog...but let me ask someone who knows better... "Is your Daddy a good daddy?" "Qwark. Qwark!" That is a resounding YES!!! :) Take care. Renee
Wow, great post... I've longed for simpler times and simpler things, yet at the same time I'm conflicted by this overwhelming desire for a big-screen plasma TV and 60GB iPod. Not to mention a boat for summers on the lake. I keep having to remind myself of what's important for my family. Simpler is definitely better, but not always easier.
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